By Wes Brown and Charles Matranga
Hottytoddy.com contributors
sharkbiteoxford@gmail.com
Square Pizza
Overall: 4.3
Price: $24, large pizza
Our first words after walking through Square Pizza’s door were: “Yes, we’d like to speak to Mr. Square please.”
And it was all downhill from there. Disclaimer: we are keenly aware that Square Pizza’s nocturnal hours and strategic location next to the Library indicate that it is meant to be consumed after a few shots of Rumple. But to give an accurate and fair review, we had to consider how this pizza would taste sober. We are still recovering from this experience.
This pizza was equal parts jaw workout and alcohol suppressant. Eating this pizza sober felt like eating a roof shingle with marinara sauce splattered on top. The best ingredient was the sauce, and Square Pizza knows that. The other ingredients were floating on top of the deepest pool of sauce we have ever seen. When a pizza has an excessive amount of sauce there’s only one question: what are you trying to hide? The gallon of sauce is used to distract drunk college kids, but SharkBite was not fooled. The cheese looked like they hand-shredded a single Sargento mozzarella cheese stick. We tried tasting the pepperoni separately, but they were unfortunately embedded into the slice. We signed up to review pizza, not to go on an archaeological expedition.
The dough had its own set of issues. Prisoners could sharpen this crust to use as a weapon. But despite its Shawshank composition, the ingredients fell off with every bite. A few bites in and it was apparent that even the ingredients (except the pepperoni) didn’t want to be involved in this mess.
Square Pizza honestly had striking similarities to Hunt Bros. pizza. We’re actually convinced that Hunts Bros. pizza is just donated Square Pizza that didn’t sell the night before. Not sure if pizza is eligible for an IRS charitable tax deduction, but we guess it’s worth a shot.
If pizza went extinct, and then was later revived Jurassic Park style, it would be this pizza. It has the appearance of actual pizza, but is clearly not the real deal. But if you just ripped a cig and threw up all over a table at the Library (you know who you are) and need a place to recuperate, this is definitely the spot for you. Ultimately, Square Pizza is the friends with benefits of the Oxford Pizza scene. You’ll probably hit them with the “u up?” text at midnight, but if you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on while watching 27 Dresses, call Fergndan’s.
Funky’s
Overall: 6.8
Price: $16, large pizza
Tuesday nights in law school are tricky. Some people spend their time preparing for class. Others go home and catch up on sleep. SharkBite joined the undergrad delinquent squad at Funky’s drinking daiquiris and singing along to Rehab’s “Bartender.” While sitting at the bar on the inside and waiting on our ride on the outside, we decided to test out some pizza.
The dough and crust were among the most enjoyable parts of our meal. As some of you may know, we are partial to thin crust. At about a quarter-inch thick, the dough was sturdy, but not tough. The cheese gave us high hopes with amazing consistency fresh out of the oven. Unfortunately, much like Matt Carpenter stepping up to the plate with bases loaded and two outs, the cheese ended up disappointing us. It was overall plain and really didn’t contribute anything to the pizza. The sauce was the MVP at Funky’s. Most sauces just sit on the slice like a bump on a log, but the tangy sweetness of this sauce leapt off the plate at us. The peppery undertone made up for the uninspired slices of pepperoni.
The pepperoni coming out of Funky’s pizza oven was simply disappointing. It was chewy, forgettable, and could easily double as saltwater taffy. Aside from the overwhelming flavor of salt, it was completely flavorless. One of our buddies noted, “This is more like a salterroni.” We appreciate fan input, but leave the B-tier jokes to the professionals.
Beyond the pizza itself is a rich tradition that few can rival within the Oxford pizza scene. We will never forget that October night in 2014 when Katy Perry was downing a slice or two and crowd surfing across the bar at Funky’s. Witnessing a Rebel win over Alabama and following the goalposts from Vaught-Hemingway to the Square for a late-night extravaganza…11/10 belly feel. A favored spot of our former football coach/Baptist preacher and Mississippi State’s finest snitch, the ambiance surrounding your culinary experience at Funky’s is truly unique. Grab a daiquiri, a slice or two, and a bit of nostalgia and Ole Miss tradition right off the Square.
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