Heaton: The Southern Smart Phone

Siri: “Neither of us is driving home,”

Southern Siri: “If you try to drive, remember that hell ain’t half full.”

Siri: “Why? So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music, and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?”

Southern Siri: “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble.”

Siri: “In the cloud, no one knows what you’re wearing.”

Southern Siri: “Whatever cranks your tractor.”

Siri: “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘naked.’ Or at least I’m going to pretend that I don’t.”

Southern Siri: “Quit acting like your daddy’s people.”

Siri: “All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate,” OR “I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.”

Southern Siri: “If you can’t race it or take it to bed, you don’t need it” OR “Live and learn, die and know it all.”

Siri: “I’m working on some pickup lines.”

Southern Siri: “You ain’t through climbing fool’s hill yet.”

Siri: “I’d rather not say.”

Southern Siri: “It looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a brick.”

Siri: “Aw, that’s sweet, but I, uh, already, um, have plans. Yeah. I have plans.”

Southern Siri: “You’ve as much chance as a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on.”

Siri: “I can’t provide the sort of assistance I think you’re asking for.”

Southern Siri: “I’d rather sandpaper a bobcat’s butt in a phone booth.”

Siri: “I know.”

Southern Siri: “You are about a half bubble off plumb.” OR “The cheese has slid off your cracker.”

Siri: “Time flies like and arrow, fruit flies like a banana.”

Southern Siri: “Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope.”

Siri: “The carpet needs vacuuming.”

Southern Siri: “Make sure you wash where the Yankee shot you.”

Siri: “I don’t feel qualified to weigh in on your Earth-based political system.”

Southern Siri: “I don’t have a dog in that fight.”