Heaton: Top 8 House of Cards Quotes, Redone Southern Style

Granted, Frank Underwood’s South Carolina accent is a bit off, especially to the ears of the Palmetto State. I’m not complaining. Up to this point I am pretty sure that folks outside of the South thought there was one Southern dialect. That would be like expecting to hear “European” spoken in Paris.

Anyhow, I’ve been asked to redo the Underwood-isms with traditional Southern sayings. Here’s what Momma ‘n’ ‘em would have said.

Frank: “Did you think I’d forgotten you? Perhaps you hoped I had.”

Momma: I’ll kill you and tell God you died.

Frank: “I pray to myself. For myself.”

Momma: “Well, you deserve a front seat in Hell for saying that.”

Frank: “I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.”

Daddy: If I had that swing on my back porch I’d ride it every night.

Frank: “Friends make the worst enemies.”

Grandpa: “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose — but you can’t wipe your friends on your saddle.”

Frank: “There’s no better way to overpower a trickle of doubt than with a flood of naked truth.”

Momma: “Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

Frank: “One heartbeat away from the presidency and not a single vote cast in my name. Democracy is so overrated. “

Momma: “He’s riding a gravy train on biscuit wheels.”

Frank: “Proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it.”

Daddy: “Don’t ever wrestle a pig, you’ll just get dirty, and the pig will enjoy it.”

Frank: “From this moment on you are a rock. You absorb nothing, you say nothing, and nothing breaks you.”

Momma: “Let me tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.

*Note: The Royalists, also known as the Cavaliers, were from the south of England and brought their English dialect to Virginia around 1649. The languages of West African were the last major influence of Southern coastal and inland dialects and shared the Cavalier habit of “r” dropping. “Y’all”, the word most frequently associated with the South, was contributed by Scots-Irish who emigrated after the Revolutionary War.

Tim Heaton is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at tim.h.heaton@gmail.com. His new book, “Momma n’ Em Said: The Treasury of Southern Sayings” is available on Amazon.