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Heaton: How to Meet Southern Belles on Spring Break
My sons, who were raised in New Jersey, are at the age where they’re asking for tips on meeting Southern girls. My advice is usually, “Why don’t you start with something easier, like getting accepted to Harvard.” Still, I can’t help but admire their ambition — they’ve apparently done some reconnoiter at the Grove.
There are a lot of dos, but only two don’ts that you will not recover from:
Save your Jeff Foxworthy jokes, et al, for the Jersey shore. Southern isn’t Redneck.
Likewise with your Southern accent. You sound like an idiot. I can’t even do it.
Southern girls are just like other girls, only just a little more so. Here is a short list of the dos:
Always open doors.
Always offer to pay.
Always push in / pull out her seat.
Always stand when she enters / exits a room.
Always remember that behind that sweet façade is a young lady that can field dress a deer, be nice.
Tim Heaton is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at tim.h.heaton@gmail.com. His new book, “Momma n’ Em Said: The Treasury of Southern Sayings” is available on Amazon.
| Mon, Nov 4 |  | vs Long Island University | W, 90-60 |
| Fri, Nov 8 |  | vs Grambling | W, 66-64 |
| Tue, Nov 12 |  | vs South Alabama | W, 64-54 |
| Sat, Nov 16 |  | vs Colorado State | W, 84-69 |
| Thu, Nov 21 |  | vs Oral Roberts | L, 100-68 |
| Thu, Nov 28 |  | vs BYU | W, 96-85 OT |
| Fri, Nov 29 |  | vs 13 Purdue | L, 80-78 |
| Tue, Dec 3 |  | @ Louisville | W, 86-63 |
| Sat, Dec 7 |  | vs Lindenwood | W, 86-53 |
| Sat, Dec 14 |  | vs Southern Miss | W, 77-46 |
| Tue, Dec 17 |  | vs Southern | W, 74-61 |
| Sat, Dec 21 |  | vs Queens University | W, 80-62 |
| Sat, Dec 28 |  | @ Memphis | L, 87-70 |
| Sat, Jan 4 |  | vs Georgia | W, 63-51 |
| Wed, Jan 8 |  | @ 23 Arkansas | W, 73-66 |
| Sat, Jan 11 |  | vs LSU | W, 77-65 |
| Tue, Jan 14 |  | @ 5 Alabama | W, 74-64 |
| Sat, Jan 18 |  | @ 17 Mississippi State | L, 81-84 |
| Wed, Jan 22 |  | vs 13 Texas A&M | L, 62-63 |
| Sat, Jan 25 |  | @ Missouri | 5:00 PM SECN |
| Wed, Jan 29 |  | vs Texas | 8:00 PM ESPN2 |
| Sat, Feb 1 |  | vs 2 Auburn | 3:00 PM TBA |
| Tue, Feb 4 |  | vs 10 Kentucky | 6:00 PM ESPN |
| Sat, Feb 8 | | @ LSU | 7:30 PM SECN |
| Wed, Feb 12 |  | @ South Carolina | 6:00 PM SECN |
| Sat, Feb 15 | | vs 17 Mississippi State | 5:00 PM TBA |
| Sat, Feb 22 |  | @ Vanderbilt | 2:30 PM SECN |
| Wed, Feb 26 | | @ 2 Auburn | 6:00 PM TBA |
| Sat, Mar 1 |  | vs 12 Oklahoma | 1:00 PM TBA |
| Wed, Mar 5 |  | vs 1 Tennessee | 8:00 PM TBA |
| Sat, Mar 8 |  | @ 6 Florida | 5:00 PM SECN |
Tim Heaton
March 7, 2015 at 8:34 am
Compliments of a gentleman poet warrior king
A girl on spring break is there to be met,
A pig ear samwich is there to be et.
So don’t be shy about one or the other,
If that gal turns you down, jest go axe another.
A pig ear samwich is a real salty treat,
The gal on spring break is jest waitin’ to meet.
So hose down real good and brush that one tooth,
Take her to supper and axe for a booth.
Them gals on spring break jest comes rount wunst a year,
If you blow this one chance, you still got that ear.