Henry: Naked Came the Strangers

I saw you at the grocery store the other day, and was gratified that you were fully clothed. And it’s not just because you have put on a good bit of weight lately. As I am sure you are aware, in our great country, the United States of America, more Americans than ever are feeling the need to walk around with no clothes, i.e., buck naked.

I say buck naked because I have done extensive research on the controversy about whether the correct term is “buck naked” or “butt naked.” Most scholars agree that “buck naked” is found in literature going back over a hundred years and the “buck” likely refers to male deer, most of whom are naked, or to young Native-American males in particular and all young males in general. “Butt naked” seems to be a modern erroneous version of “buck naked” that has become accepted use because no one really cares.

But back to the outbreak of nakedness. A man wearing nothing but a cowboy hat was arrested walking in the snowy travel lanes of I-75 in January in Michigan. The same month, in another part of the same frigid state, a man jogging buck naked told police he needed to go where there was some sun. In what has become an annual event, on June 8, 2014, thousands of Portland bicyclers rode their bikes naked on the city streets. Last week a troop of 9 and 10 year old Boy Scouts were hiking along a San Diego beach when they accidentally marched through a nude beach.

And it’s not just in the U.S. In the past year, naked flash mobs in London, Amsterdam, Vancouver, Melbourne, and other cities around the world gathered in public places and got naked as jaybirds.

What does this mean? To get some insight, I consulted noted psychiatrist Sara E. Bellum, who happens to be a member of my MENSA chapter.

Dr. Bellum: This worldwide trend to nudity seems to bother you. Yes?

Henry: Well, I guess. Confused is a better description.

Dr. Bellum: Why does it confuse you?

Henry: I don’t know.

Dr. Bellum: I sense you fear of your own nakedness.

Henry: I’m not afraid of getting naked in certain circumstances. But not in public. I wouldn’t want to do that.

Dr. Bellum: And why is that?

Henry: I don’t look all that good naked.

Dr. Bellum: What about these people around the world who are disrobing?

Henry: They don’t look good either. All pasty and cellulity. You don’t see any good-looking people getting buck naked in public.

The room was silent a moment. I heard something soft hit the floor. I turned on my couch to see Dr. Bellum standing there totally nude, looking like a golden brown manatee. I bolted from her office and ran as fast as I could to the office of my attorney and longtime friend E. Hobart Calhoun. I discovered E. standing behind his desk, a deep, dark tan all over his naked body.

E. explained that he and all the other naked people I’ve seen around the world are involved in a marketing campaign for House Majority Leader John Boehner’s “Tan All Year” phone app that he’s recently patented. The app emits a powerful bright light that bakes your entire body in minutes, wherever you are. E. said Boehner’s been using it for years. E. added that sales are through the roof, making Boehner millions. When E. started coming around his desk toward me, I ran out, yelling I had an emergency haircut.

I called John Boehner. He confirmed what E. said. He planned on leaving Congress as soon as his royalties reached $20 million, which he said should be in another month. I asked him what he was going to do, and he said he and George Hamilton were opening a chain of varicose vein clinics across the country.

“With the growing use of my phone app, more people are going to have full body tans and will want to strip butt naked to show them off. But first, they’ll want to get rid of their unsightly veins.”

“Buck,” I said as Boehner described his brilliant business plan. He told me that both E. and Dr. Bellum had invested with Boehner and Hamilton Clinic, LLC early on and would make out like bandits when it went public. I left for home, shaking my head. Another sure-fire money-making deal I missed.

On the positive side, I still had my clothes on.

Michael Henry is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at smichaelhenry@yahoo.com. A graduate of Tulane and Virginia Law School, Henry published his seventh novel, Finding Ishmael, in April, 2014.