Heaton: 5 Funny Things Frustrated Southerners Say

Ever tried to nail Jello to a tree? People in the South have.

Those of us residing below the Mason-Dixon line are known for our slow cooking and slower accents, but with that drawl, we say some strange things — but to us, it makes perfect sense.

Just in case this column reaches a newcomer to the South, I’ve included explanations and examples of how to properly express frustration in the Southern style. Warning to those folks: These sayings are used by professionals. Don’t try this at home without proper supervision.

1. That sticks in my throat like a hair in a biscuit. A situation that it annoys you, usually because you believe it to be universally wrong. For example: coming home from work and finding your retriever dressed as Lady Gaga every day for a week.

2. This is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Useful for a situation that cannot be resolved. For example: tying to communicate a problem with an offshore help-desk on anything from credit cards to car stereos.

3. I feel like a rooster in an empty hen-house. This saying addresses the case of an enjoyable activity, that you have looked forward to and prepared for, only to realize at the last moment it isn’t going to happen. For example: When your dinner date discusses their Ex or informs you they have to attend early service in the morning.

4. If it ain’t bedbugs it’s piss ants. Used in a situation that goes from bad to worse. For example: While chaperoning your daughter and several “tween” friends to a Justin Bieber concert, you discover that because you couldn’t solve a problem with your car stereo, (due to an unhelpful help-desk in saying #2) that you will be listening to Mr Bieber’s hits in transit as well.

5. Don’t rush on my account. This phrase should only used in extreme situations where another person is *ugly first. For example: If you drop by Walmart during lunch and find the person in front of you in the fast check-out lane has a cart-full of stuff and needs a price-check from the garden center; and the cashier needs to call the offshore help-desk because the intercom is not working correctly. You may want to include the phrase: “bless your heart.”

And a bonus term that will help in many situations: Flap-doodle!

*ugly – , adjective – Southernism. Def: lacking kindness; unsympathetic or cruel.

Tim Heaton is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at tim.h.heaton@gmail.com. His new book, “Momma n’ Em Said: The Treasury of Southern Sayings” is available on Amazon.